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Point Break

I'm 36. I should be better at loneliness by now. I have lived on my own for over 12 years. I should be stronger. But I've just spent hours scrolling through photos and status updates that have me convinced that I'm the only one failing at life. In a stupid, dramatic gesture that's really just a vain attempt to get control back, I've deleted my instagram account. Ok, temp suspended, bc who wants to lose all that? I just disappeared. (for work reasons, I still have fb and twitter.)

It feels good. I need a break. I know it's silly to compare my life to the PR version of everyone else's lives. But when you are in the midst of what seems like your lowest low, it is impossible to put so many shiny, happy faces in perspective. I need to focus on phone calls and dinners and actually interacting with people. But I'm also gonna need to find people to interact with.

The past few years have been...rough...job wise. Moving into this new position with a new company is one of the only bright stars in my life right now.

It's also been pretty rough family-wise. All the diagnoses and deaths of friends and family.

For the past nine or so weeks I have semi-committed to a new workout routine and meal regiment. And that's made a significant difference in a short amount of time. I think I'm heading in the right direction there.

It's my downtime where I struggle. I would probably classify myself as an extreme introvert. Getting to know new people is very difficult for me. To the point where I kind of avoid it. I think I've talked about this before, but it's much harder to move to a new city as an adult and make friends then it ever was in high school and college. I have literally one friend that I hang out with on the regular. When they're available. And a handful of girlfriends that I see a few times every few months. And some of they do try to invite me to things, but 9 times out of 10 or more I find a reason to decline.

Life is messy. Sometimes, rarely but sometimes, I feel like I'm crushing it and the rest of the time I feel like I'm limping along.

I prob won't stay off instagram long, I'm addicted at scrolling through post after post...even the ones I don't really want to see. I hope when I do come back that I'm smart enough to know that underneath all those PR posts are real friends who are dealing with real things and I should text them once in a while instead of just liking their posts and feeling like that's staying in touch.


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